Always on My Mind you baby...

Tuesday, January 26, 2016


I stare at the rain devouring my window pane
the night is falling like a river of shadows,
and i look for you. 
I look for you,
in my one eye epic monologue
watching the running water of the tab i forgot opened
on a pile of staring dishes 
begging me for a bath
your all night subconscious visit hangover aftermath
left me pregnant with an unfinished poem that i left hanging
at your acceptance armoire
when you are that close and far
the ultimate lover and the superstar
i look for you
when you are not the one you are
when you run into your shadow
on a random visit
In this first hello after a lifetime of hesitation
In your first line after a library of quotation
in the early morning birdy sunshine
in my first smoke after your four hours of sleep
in my haunting your caffeiney musky scent of my rising steam
in my every hazily blurring dream
where you come in your every self
louder in the mute
like the Hamelin piper in his red cloak flute 
as i bewitchingly follow
i look for you
in my father's prayer in his favorite chair
in the memories we didn't make but share
in my running away from you
to you
i look for you
in places you never was, but were
in the long walks i take to lose my mind
but i end up losing myself to you instead
i look for you
in an empty bed
in the ecstatic waves kissing my bare feet on the distance shore
in the tight little fist of that almost 3 years old on his balloon thread
just like my hope
i look for you in my burning kitchen utensils
in my crowded blog draft box
in my half read books
no show birthday parties
and never returned back missed calls
i look for you
in every dress that i buy and never wear
in every eye that looks at me as i to my screen, stare
for your late night thought
in all the jokes i can't remember, but laugh at
in every time i see a Leonard Cohen in a hat
and the man who cannot die killing time to live
in my chaotic life wardrobe
in every gaze of your eyes that i literally, stop
to look for myself
as i look for you in those i only share
with the sky
in the warm breeze of your silent presence
i look for you in my mother's long hours of sleep
and my relieved sigh when she wakes up
in the windy winters of my insomniac summer nights
and the gloomy sunshine of my watching you
swept off your feet of any other gush of air,
that isn't my metrical storm
And in the furthermost corner of my heart,
that is not tainted yet with this time
and its tantrums,
i look for you
In the smiles of children,
at their favorite toy store
i word touch your every part
playing my verse into your heart engine
turning you on
so that i may find you
in the prayers of their mothers,
in the thrill of the first rain drop kiss on my wet face,
i look for you.

Then i keep searching
in the secret pockets of time
in smiling tears of relief i saw after they turned on the lights
in a Jab Tak Hai Jaan dark hall where i relocated
to join the first day first show squad
in every wish i with them have ever been had
in the endless sea of hopes popping in your mentions
in the my logging in at your handle flash, blood rush
like a dream we never had,
but live(d).
holding the time still
l look for you in my freedom mind cell
veering on my years off a lyrical memoir
with a silver anklet of three words and an apostrophe
through the bars of my want
what a soul stunt!
Off my poetic Trapeze with no safety net
we just jump
and i find myself in your eyes arms,
you're a man out of time my love
and i am a woman who lives in your timings'Tag hands
Sometimes when you are around
you are still no where to be found
so i look for you
in the Urdu Ghazals that i can't understand without translation
in the Poetic Birthday Cake that i may never know
if it to you, tasted as sweet
And in my mountain rock solid belief that you do
when i look for you,
are for me, looking too. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Missing You

 What did we do?
or what is it that we didn't do?

what oceans of wrong doings have we crossed
what winds of right doings should we blow?
for you to just breeze
for our life breathing to breathe

for a little among this hardship, ease
in the fire of our doubts,
we melt to freeze
and the guilt hammers don't seize
beneath your turbulent calmness
what clouds could be heavier
than our hearts cracking in your absence
for you to rain
what mirage could be bigger
than your words oasis
in the desert of your silence
what could be purer than
our rolling tears
on the cheeks of every morning rose,
a lonely dew
drawing sad faces
on your already wet
window pane

waiting for a playful finger
to turn the line curves upside down 
for a smile
what could be louder
than your eyes calling, thunder
what could be more tender
than in amidst all this sadness
your heart made up laughter

in a caption that is the talk of town
unbuttoned under the waterfall
of our longing
soaked yet burning a bit fire
to the time ash 

what could be harder
than love birds chirping in the mute
like a broken flute
where the air just comes in and out
without making a sound

what could be larger than the sky
that holds our every time prayer
in your name,
but our missing you 
what could be more solid than the earth
we grow from like seeds
every time you scatter us away
than our faith in you
what could be more generous than the sun
kissing us after your lips 
and laying from us to your lips,
a caress   
what could be ever messier
than this mess
but your un-defied morning messy hair
challenging all rules of gravity 
and creating its own 
a still sleepy, too early to wake up now! frown
and a half stretched arm reaching out
to an all night peeping screen
in the chase of sleep
fat fingers scroll
almost sealed lips, full
on a hugging smile
minutes pass, then an hour
it's time then to shower
and turn into the other side of the world
another smoke on the way
rising like the first ever sun ray
bare feet steps into the day
putting off the cigarette half but
and aside on the king size bed,
the 17 million love peeping notification screen,
left on.




Monday, January 4, 2016

S. O. S....

The words are wicked
They play in your absence
Hide and seek
Only i am too drained to chase
every dot and every phrase
I let them win the race
of hope
and curl in my fear
Those damned what if(s) and may be(s)
are the demons i have to fight
you are so far, at times
Yet at others, so near
Nothing i hear
That is not your voice
This is the song i only sing when you're sleeping
These are the words i say when you can't hear me
This is the way i look when you don't show
And you will never know
The poems i will not share
The metaphoric dresses i may never wear
The kisses i fly to your photo frame
That your eyes wide open
beneath those blue glares i hate
can't frame
nothing is without you the same
The piercing blame
but i won't let you around
To my pains of this epic happiness
nor to my smiling sadness
I want you to feel better
So when in the delirious phase
I take shelter in my heart of heart
"We are never apart!"
My every night to bed prayer
and i close my eyes on a wish of a long with you, dream
I am not alive and not dead.
Something in between,
that has no name.
not happy and not sad
something in between,
that has no heart.
i am in the middle of myself
looking for you
voicelessly calling you
the one who has his ears in his heart
and his eyes hold his soul.

i see it this way,
Philosophizing anyway,
as indifferently as desperate
your absence is more presence
your silence is but a Nightingale song
that shatters all my reasons  
what you think you hide, is revealed
the more you run away from love,
It is opened arms to catch you
unwritten words are spelled in blood ink
un-captured sights rise in a blink
what you want to unsee, sees you
and what you don't want to know
may be better than you, knows
no way out but in
without is deeper within
going is coming
and black is white
dying is living
painful is healing
alone is together
and away is just right here.

Dressed up in darkness
the moon in your eyes and the sun
you are the light, the whole and the none
taking coldness up your sleeves
firestorms at your every touch
slowing down is that racing rush
distance is but our collision
space is union
your ice is but my fusion
letting go is holding on
and lost in your present absence,
is in your very presence, found.
all the verse i exhaust
enjoy it
and the lines you frost
in me, melt
for you are meant to be
rise in my gloomy sky,
you just in your place run
when the path is inside out
embrace life
let it squeeze you
the tighter the loose
and draw that cratered smile
Even if in teary letters
we only of so much happiness,


My Poems Recitations for My Shah...

VFXed.. Dreams.. Fan Notes..