I stare at the rain devouring my window pane the night is falling like a river of shadows, and i look for you. I look for you, in my one eye epic monologue watching the running water of the tab i forgot opened on a pile of staring dishes begging me for a bath your all night subconscious visit hangover aftermath left me pregnant with an unfinished poem that i left hanging at your acceptance armoire when you are that close and far the ultimate lover and the superstar i look for you when you are not the one you are when you run into your shadow on a random visit In this first hello after a lifetime of hesitation In your first line after a library of quotation in the early morning birdy sunshine in my first smoke after your four hours of sleep in my haunting your caffeiney musky scent of my rising steam in my every hazily blurring dream where you come in your every self louder in the mute like the Hamelin piper in his red cloak flute as i bewitchingly follow i look for you in my father's prayer in his favorite chair in the memories we didn't make but share in my running away from you to you i look for you in places you never was, but were in the long walks i take to lose my mind but i end up losing myself to you instead i look for you in an empty bed in the ecstatic waves kissing my bare feet on the distance shore in the tight little fist of that almost 3 years old on his balloon thread just like my hope i look for you in my burning kitchen utensils in my crowded blog draft box in my half read books no show birthday parties and never returned back missed calls i look for you in every dress that i buy and never wear in every eye that looks at me as i to my screen, stare for your late night thought in all the jokes i can't remember, but laugh at in every time i see a Leonard Cohen in a hat and the man who cannot die killing time to live in my chaotic life wardrobe in every gaze of your eyes that i literally, stop to look for myself as i look for you in those i only share with the sky in the warm breeze of your silent presence i look for you in my mother's long hours of sleep and my relieved sigh when she wakes up in the windy winters of my insomniac summer nights and the gloomy sunshine of my watching you swept off your feet of any other gush of air, that isn't my metrical storm And in the furthermost corner of my heart, that is not tainted yet with this time and its tantrums, i look for you In the smiles of children, at their favorite toy store i word touch your every part playing my verse into your heart engine turning you on so that i may find you in the prayers of their mothers, in the thrill of the first rain drop kiss on my wet face, i look for you.
Then i keep searching in the secret pockets of time in smiling tears of relief i saw after they turned on the lights in a Jab Tak Hai Jaan dark hall where i relocated to join the first day first show squad in every wish i with them have ever been had in the endless sea of hopes popping in your mentions in the my logging in at your handle flash, blood rush like a dream we never had, but live(d). holding the time still l look for you in my freedom mind cell veering on my years off a lyrical memoir
with a silver anklet of three words and an apostrophe through the bars of my want what a soul stunt! Off my poetic Trapeze with no safety net we just jump and i find myself in your eyes arms, falling you're a man out of time my love and i am a woman who lives in your timings'Tag hands Sometimes when you are around you are still no where to be found so i look for you in the Urdu Ghazals that i can't understand without translation in the Poetic Birthday Cake that i may never know if it to you, tasted as sweet And in my mountain rock solid belief that you do when i look for you, are for me, looking too.
What did we do? or what is it that we didn't do? what oceans of wrong doings have we crossed what winds of right doings should we blow? for you to just breeze for our life breathing to breathe for a little among this hardship, ease in the fire of our doubts, we melt to freeze and the guilt hammers don't seize beneath your turbulent calmness what clouds could be heavier than our hearts cracking in your absence for you to rain what mirage could be bigger than your words oasis in the desert of your silence what could be purer than our rolling tears on the cheeks of every morning rose, a lonely dew drawing sad faces on your already wet window pane waiting for a playful finger to turn the line curves upside down for a smile what could be louder than your eyes calling, thunder what could be more tender than in amidst all this sadness your heart made up laughter in a caption that is the talk of town unbuttoned under the waterfall of our longing soaked yet burning a bit fire to the time ash what could be harder than love birds chirping in the mute like a broken flute where the air just comes in and out without making a sound what could be larger than the sky that holds our every time prayer in your name, but our missing you what could be more solid than the earth we grow from like seeds every time you scatter us away than our faith in you what could be more generous than the sun kissing us after your lips and laying from us to your lips, a caress what could be ever messier than this mess but your un-defied morning messy hair challenging all rules of gravity and creating its own a still sleepy, too early to wake up now! frown and a half stretched arm reaching out to an all night peeping screen in the chase of sleep fat fingers scroll almost sealed lips, full on a hugging smile minutes pass, then an hour it's time then to shower and turn into the other side of the world another smoke on the way rising like the first ever sun ray bare feet steps into the day putting off the cigarette half but and aside on the king size bed, the 17 million love peeping notification screen, left on.
The words are wicked They play in your absence Hide and seek Only i am too drained to chase every dot and every phrase I let them win the race of hope and curl in my fear Those damned what if(s) and may be(s) are the demons i have to fight you are so far, at times Yet at others, so near Nothing i hear That is not your voice This is the song i only sing when you're sleeping These are the words i say when you can't hear me This is the way i look when you don't show And you will never know The poems i will not share The metaphoric dresses i may never wear The kisses i fly to your photo frame That your eyes wide open beneath those blue glares i hate can't frame nothing is without you the same The piercing blame but i won't let you around To my pains of this epic happiness nor to my smiling sadness No. I want you to feel better So when in the delirious phase I take shelter in my heart of heart "We are never apart!" My every night to bed prayer and i close my eyes on a wish of a long with you, dream I am not alive and not dead. Something in between, that has no name. not happy and not sad something in between, that has no heart. i am in the middle of myself looking for you voicelessly calling you the one who has his ears in his heart and his eyes hold his soul. i see it this way, Philosophizing anyway, as indifferently as desperate your absence is more presence your silence is but a Nightingale song that shatters all my reasons what you think you hide, is revealed the more you run away from love, It is opened arms to catch you unwritten words are spelled in blood ink un-captured sights rise in a blink what you want to unsee, sees you and what you don't want to know may be better than you, knows no way out but in without is deeper within going is coming and black is white dying is living painful is healing alone is together and away is just right here. Dressed up in darkness the moon in your eyes and the sun you are the light, the whole and the none taking coldness up your sleeves firestorms at your every touch slowing down is that racing rush distance is but our collision space is union your ice is but my fusion letting go is holding on and lost in your present absence, is in your very presence, found. all the verse i exhaust enjoy it and the lines you frost in me, melt Happen! for you are meant to be rise in my gloomy sky, you just in your place run when the path is inside out embrace life let it squeeze you the tighter the loose and draw that cratered smile Even if in teary letters we only of so much happiness, cry.
