Trapeze

I stare at the rain devouring my window pane
the night is falling like a river of shadows,
and i look for you. 
I look for you,
in my one eye epic monologue
watching the running water of the tab i forgot opened
on a pile of staring dishes 
begging me for a bath
your all night subconscious visit hangover aftermath
left me pregnant with an unfinished poem that i left hanging
at your acceptance armoire
when you are that close and far
the ultimate lover and the superstar
i look for you
when you are not the one you are
when you run into your shadow
on a random visit
In this first hello after a lifetime of hesitation
In your first line after a library of quotation
in the early morning birdy sunshine
in my first smoke after your four hours of sleep
in my haunting your caffeiney musky scent of my rising steam
in my every hazily blurring dream
where you come in your every self
louder in the mute
like the Hamelin piper in his red cloak flute 
as i bewitchingly follow
i look for you
in my father's prayer in his favorite chair
in the memories we didn't make but share
in my running away from you
to you
i look for you
in places you never was, but were
in the long walks i take to lose my mind
but i end up losing myself to you instead
i look for you
in an empty bed
in the ecstatic waves kissing my bare feet on the distance shore
in the tight little fist of that almost 3 years old on his balloon thread
just like my hope
i look for you in my burning kitchen utensils
in my crowded blog draft box
in my half read books
no show birthday parties
and never returned back missed calls
i look for you
in every dress that i buy and never wear
in every eye that looks at me as i to my screen, stare
for your late night thought
in all the jokes i can't remember, but laugh at
in every time i see a Leonard Cohen in a hat
and the man who cannot die killing time to live
in my chaotic life wardrobe
in every gaze of your eyes that i literally, stop
to look for myself
as i look for you in those i only share
with the sky
in the warm breeze of your silent presence
i look for you in my mother's long hours of sleep
and my relieved sigh when she wakes up
in the windy winters of my insomniac summer nights
and the gloomy sunshine of my watching you
swept off your feet of any other gush of air,
that isn't my metrical storm
And in the furthermost corner of my heart,
that is not tainted yet with this time
and its tantrums,
i look for you
In the smiles of children,
at their favorite toy store
i word touch your every part
playing my verse into your heart engine
turning you on
so that i may find you
in the prayers of their mothers,
in the thrill of the first rain drop kiss on my wet face,
i look for you.

Then i keep searching
in the secret pockets of time
in smiling tears of relief i saw after they turned on the lights
in a Jab Tak Hai Jaan dark hall where i relocated
to join the first day first show squad
in every wish i with them have ever been had
in the endless sea of hopes popping in your mentions
in the my logging in at your handle flash, blood rush
like a dream we never had,
but live(d).
holding the time still
l look for you in my freedom mind cell
veering on my years off a lyrical memoir
with a silver anklet of three words and an apostrophe
through the bars of my want
what a soul stunt!
Off my poetic Trapeze with no safety net
we just jump
and i find myself in your eyes arms,
falling
you're a man out of time my love
and i am a woman who lives in your timings'Tag hands
Sometimes when you are around
you are still no where to be found
so i look for you
in the Urdu Ghazals that i can't understand without translation
in the Poetic Birthday Cake that i may never know
if it to you, tasted as sweet
And in my mountain rock solid belief that you do
when i look for you,
are for me, looking too.